you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hippo gnu deer
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
