Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
