are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
