fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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