so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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