just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
