my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
