I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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