can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
