I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Rumble strips road head = magical
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
