I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
