he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
