Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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