one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
