can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
