Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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