You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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