drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
