The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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