Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
