tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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