my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
