So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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