I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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