don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
