Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
