final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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