So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
