Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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