when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
