we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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