I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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