Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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