Pappa wants mamma naked
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
