Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
