I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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