i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He kissed a someone with a penis
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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