I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
