Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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