People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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