OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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