I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
