Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
