She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
