Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
