I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
