dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
my liver is dry heaving
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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