My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
found the other keg... it's in the tree
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
