I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
