I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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