Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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