I wish my penis had an off switch
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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